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Cody Allison aka Michael Rendier
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| What more am I? |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009|05:38 pm] |
What more am I, than a unique product of a lack of understanding in the world. I am not shaped of myself, but of the void left behind while people suffer around me. My decisions are not mine, but the choices yearned for by those around me. A compilation of everyone I have ever met, and everyone that I have ever wanted to be. My goals are not mine, but those of the world around me. My purpose has never been one of my own, but shaped by the directional needs of the pain I watch the world I live in suffer with. At times, I have sought refuge in the ways I have grown accustomed to over the years. Providing direction to those who need it more than I. My purpose once thought to be as an inspiration to others, to show them how to easily provide a pathway to achieve what it was that they desired. Beauty, tranquility and peace. The pains that I have suffered, that I would not wish on any other living soul have been my muse, my guide and my cross to bear. What direction do I have left of my own that is not simply the direction of what is missing in those around me? The need for love, for want...acceptance? Are these not things that I surely have only by virtue that those around me seek them out, some albeit unknowingly? What direction do any of us have that is not made by what those around us need and desire?
Success is not built upon itself, but upon the back of failure and suffering. Failure is bred from a lack of understanding. In it's purest form, this lack of knowledge and experience is hacked through brute force, until a suitable solution to a single puzzle is found, though not through understanding. Through attempt after attempt, try after try, until either a random chance occurrence or simple lack of possibilities brings about a desired result. “Eureka!” I've arrived at my intended destination! The very question I asked, now contains a reasonable point of conclusion. Does it not sway you then to it's narrowly defined ways? Why then do people still feel empty inside? Why is their lack of understanding the very breeding ground for what I accept as a “purpose” in my life? The directions I move are naught but those which seem absent in those around me. Gently pushing while violently falling into orbit around that which I literally feel missing in the world. Will it tear me apart? No. It will not. Not because of my strength of character, and not because of the sheer choice of my will, but because when I stop those around me from being torn apart, I no longer reflect that pain. I no longer am in agony with that suffering, because it no longer is prevalent where before it was overwhelming. Where still does this leave me? I am only full because I sate the hunger around me. I am only me, because those around me need direction...and it appears that my direction is never my own, but theirs. Inevitably, this leads me to wonder why...and I guess to arrive at the answer, I must first find someone with the same question as I.
(don't forget i've actually moved my journal over to my website at http://www.thewanderinggod.com as well as added a few other frills, such as my videos of parkour and some of my martial arts training.) |
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| Moving... |
[Jan. 25th, 2009|08:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | progressive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 10 Years - Just Can't Win | ] |
i've installed a journal on my site...
http://www.thewanderinggod.com
i've archived my LJ and exported it to wordpress
and now i'll be posting there mainly. I'll still put things here that i want archived online...but i'm starting the transition now.
:D |
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| Seems i've gone missing |
[Jan. 24th, 2009|01:42 am] |
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It was written before as I read it again
A slight to the state that my heart has been in
Built underneath, how i covered the holes
Thought I could fill them by completing goals
It seems that I've almost forgotten inside
Lost in the ways of this new tattered hide
This passion that grows with impunity
With a mind of it's own irregardless of me
Action has spoken, and it's telling no tales
The structure I've built out of thousands of nails
The hollow within seem to howl in the wind
As it's loosing its heat to the spaces within
How I endeavor to name the void left behind
As i see it create all the struggles i find
While I think what I see is from outside in
All I see is myself standing center again.
09012401 |
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| slacking... |
[Nov. 22nd, 2008|02:59 pm] |
So in the inclusion of all this stuff that I have committed to doing...I needed to get something to handle my schedule. In order to handle the schedule, i had an alarm set for myself that would go off every morning letting me know what is going on that day.
I lost that phone. No more alarm. No more schedule. Two weeks later, i've missed a ton of appointments. Nothing that won't be so difficult to get back into the flow of things with...but still. It's brought up an important issue. Slacking.
I become more reliant on other things...other pieces of equipment to keep track of my life. Why I don't just do this myself is beyond me at this point. My mind is more than capable of handling everything that this technology is doing for me. I started relying on an alarm...and now it seems that my internal clock is not being used. That will change. I started relying on a schedule...(albeit i'm going to start keeping it again...but online)...and now i'm left with a hole in my life...where I used to be, that got replaced by some technology...that is now lost. It seems that it took my mind with it.
*shrugs*
just another reminder to rely on myself...(though that only works when I don't loose things)
guess all i can do at this point is step up the effort i put into life. Just because I'm happy, doesn't mean i shouldn't put effort into keeping it that way.
i'm usually better than this. I should continue to do so. |
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| The Next Step... |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008|03:23 am] |
So here's an update for those who have not been in my immediate arena over the past year. I miss and LOVE all of you...even the ones who don't deserve it sometimes.
I moved here October 26th last year...and spent my first halloween at home alone...and found a great solace in my new surroundings. I picked up parkour, in addition to the contact juggling...which has now also become spinning poi and my new hobby, contact staff. Some of these led to an option to begin taking a new Martial Art...Bagua Zhang. Chinese Internal Martial Art...Gao Style. I've gone beyond the focus and flow...i'm well aware how to focus. I've been going with the flow lately, and it's leading me in some pretty incredible directions.
Parkour is an art/discipline where you move quickly and efficiently through your environment, overcoming all obstacles using nothing but the tools of your body. Parkour was developed as an escape methodology and has evolved into a philosophy that is continually changing the lives of the people who begin it's training.
Along with Parkour, came a new friend. Tyson Cecka...who was starting up a non profit organization to help spread the philosophy and discipline of parkour to kids in schools as a viable and low cost option to people with no specific athletic talent. I know how the military changed me...instilling discipline. Now I'm watching these traceurs become self reliant, motivated and socially interactive and athletic. It's teaching them how to overcome any obstacle by continuing to think and correct themselves in order to reach their intended goal. Watching this translate into their life is very hopeful for society.
So Tyson started the Pacific Northwest Parkour Association (PNWPA) http://www.pnwpa.com and filed for it's tax exempt status. After talking with him a bit and learning more about what he needed...it was exactly what i've been wanting to do for so long...as any of you who've known me for years has heard me talking about. I volunteered my time to write a grant and help them with some promotions and event production stuff...taking the company and it's vision to help fight childhood obesity to the companies, schools and families of Seattle.
I've been asked to help with another grant, and have to be at rehersal for a stage show my juggling landed me in this week...opening on the 15th...if i remember correctly.
This new phone i got is beginning to collect my schedule?!?!?!?
My health has been steady. NO HEADACHES! T-cells at 125 since february, but undetectable since then as well! I love accupuncture, hate hills, still don't like the cold...and find the sun coming out to play with me like a best friend...which is really weird...i have a tan...and five pairs of shoes and need new ones already! *shrugs*
The ball is officially rolling for the things that I wanted to do for a living...gather free money for non profit organizations...and show people how one person can and DOES make a difference.
*dives behind the couch* |
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| inspiration from an unlikely source... |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|08:46 pm] |
For those of you who don't already know...start with this story about a man who lit himself on fire last night on the University of Washington campus.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/385728_fire31.html
I stood today, while a mormon talked with me...offering me the chance to do more than stand and stare at the roped off section of red square. There was only a single bouquett of flowers. The groundskeeper pulled up with the power washer to clean up what was left of the mess. I remarked that it must be a sobering job.
I stood today...wondering what I could take from this incident...what could it mean to me in my life. I got home, and looked up the news...and read many stories...and I found it. Something that brings me joy to have even heard about.
Students had him and the fire put out before anyone else got there.
One student wrestled with the man to keep him from dousing himself...nearly costing him as well.
These are examples of character that I must accordingly give due notice. In a place that I wholly did not expect to ever see such an example of what humans should be for each other...comes a very strong sense of hope now. Hope that people are not lost. Hope that there are those who care...and care enough to help. It takes a very special kind of person to risk and sacrifice personal injury (especially to a gasoline fire) to help this man...and it was shown by SEVERAL...not just one.
I got away from hope a long time ago...you will often hear me remark about how I think "hope" was the worst thing let out of pandora's box...because it's that last sliver of hope that drags things out forever.
I just realized however...that some things deserve that hope...some things deserve that time...that dedication
Personally, I would like to commend people and characters like that...and regardless of whether or not this makes it to them...it's still worth noting to anyone. Would that we could all have such character...
I saw a sign on the bus today...just after bidding farewell to the spirit of the man who may just have found what he was looking for. It's rang a specific bell in my head that i've been hanging on to for a while.
and i'll leave you with Marcus Aurelius and Ghandi.
"Quit talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!" "Become the change you want to see in the world." |
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| Focus and Flow |
[Sep. 8th, 2008|08:57 pm] |
Seems that the lesson of this part of my life is focus and flow. Focus and flow. Weird in and of itself, because in order to flow properly, you must be able to do so without focusing on it. You have to just feel it...trust it to know it's own way.
I just started learning a martial art. It demands a GREAT amount of focus...a large amount of focus. The forms, the attention to detail of the placement of the body, it's intimate relationships with the parts of the body next to those body parts. Contact Juggling, Poi, and many other forms of this dance I call Life.
Each of these has it's own way. Each of these has it's own form. All of this a minute part of what I could possibly know at such a young age.
*shrugs*
but flowing...also means not knowing where you are going...and just trusting to reach your destination. |
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| Scorpio a la Seattle Stranger www.freewillastrology.com |
[Sep. 6th, 2008|09:03 pm] |
"The reality of love is mutilated when it is removed from all its unreality." So said the French philosopher Gaston Bachelard in his book The Poetics of Reverie. He meant that realism alone is not enough for human beings to live on, especially in our most intimate relationships. We need fantasy to augment the merely factual perspective. We require poetic truths to keep the rational approach honest. Without the play of the imagination, in fact, our understanding of the world is impoverished and distorted. In this spirit, Scorpio, I invite you to be extra daydreamy and imaginative about love in the coming days. Feed your soul and the souls of those you love with experiences that arouse mystery and wonder. (P.S. Nietzsche said: "We have art in order not to perish of truth.
") |
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| There is something funny going on today...scorpio horror-scopes |
[Aug. 30th, 2008|09:36 pm] |
Facebook...
Your feelings may feel exaggerated today, and as a result people don't understand what your desires or intentions may be. The onus is on you to clearly explain how you feel lest your frustration deepens. This also has a connotation of some spiritual stress where the meaning of your life at its most fundamental level doesn't quite make sense to you at the moment. Be patient, time tells all stories and certainly won't omit one as interesting as yours.
http://www.jacquelinebigar.com (times-picayune, New Orleans)
You will be happiest where your friends are. Crowds, parties and baseball games or any happening sport naturally seems like the right place to be. Meeting people happens easily. Tonight: Cupid's arrow could hit some of you. Check this person out.
http://www.freewillastrology.com (the stranger, Seattle)
You've reached a phase in your astrological cycle when you have special power to expand, deepen, and enhance your web of allies. My advice? Don't just schmooze and party, but rather schmooze and party with an evangelical sense of purpose, taking advantage of the fact that people are more likely than usual to see you as attractive, be sympathetic to your cause, and lend you their support. The connections you forge and the synergetic collaborations you ignite in the next three weeks could be major factors in your success in 2009.
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so the last one is nothing i didn't figure out the other day anyways...
the first two...those bother me...they're so right...so spooky fucking right...
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2008|11:56 pm] |
Today was the 3 year aniversarry of katrina. Here is what i wrote about it...and being trapped in charity hospital for five days after the storm with meningitis.
Katrina Narrative LJ entry |
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| a sureal day... |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|08:59 pm] |
I went out to cal anderson park to do some contact juggling...with my new chartreuse colored ball. Aside from the slight green tint, it's yellow. It reminds me of the sun...like i'm juggling the sun. Today, it showed off it's colors. While I was juggling, I heard and felt the buzzing around my ears...and my hands. So I stopped, expecting to have to shew off a bug. That didn't happen. The bee, landed on my fingers and crawled right up on top of my ball, and began "licking" it...much as an insect can "lick" a ball that is. He just chilled for a few moments, and then took off about two seconds before I got the camera out. I kept mumbling something about "i'm not a flower"...
Then off to the bus, to head up to cowen park for parkour. On my way around seattle central CC...i ended up having to walk under the scaffolding that is up over the sidewalk next to the bus stop...and for a moment, it was like i was wandering through the french quarter again...walking along under the galleries, held up by the supports to the street.
*sigh*
then THAT pair of eyes again...as they passed me on the street...dark, deep and intriguing...and vanished a moment later. |
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| this morning... |
[Aug. 25th, 2008|03:44 pm] |
it was raining...otherwise it would have looked more graceful... |
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| The Tao of a broken mp3 player |
[Aug. 24th, 2008|07:40 pm] |
now i almost don't want to go outside. i miss my music so much. danny played my wolfmother on my 'puter last night, and it reminded me of those freezing cold days on the bus to Harborview Hospital to see my doctors...and the days i would brave the cold to go out and juggle on top of seattle.
I remember in atlanta, when i had music in my ears, wandering through town...and it reminded me of all the parts of atlanta that I loved (namely the architecture)...and the moment i took my earphones out...i got an earful of why i didn't like atlanta at all.
now i'm going crazy. my soundtrack is missing. Is it escapist to just want to hear music all the time? It makes so much of the world go by unnoticed...
well...unnoticed by most...i can still hear and taste the emotions in the air.
A channeled entity named Seth once said that weather was the collective result of a specific geographies combined emotions. If that's true, then what does it mean when it always finds a way to shine for me every day? There's already been an inordinate amount of sunshine here...especially by seattle standards...
The spirit here...there is a spirit here...it either behaves a lot like new orleans, or is the same spirit (on a level of the collective consciousness type scale). I'm beginning to think it's the same spirit.
They called egypt worshipers of the sun. Somehow that's what i'm becoming as well...even though i've been a minion of the night for so long...s'the problem with being a taoist. No idea where i'm going...but i know i'll get there. |
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