What more am I?

What more am I, than a unique product of a lack of understanding in the world. I am not shaped of myself, but of the void left behind while people suffer around me. My decisions are not mine, but the choices yearned for by those around me. A compilation of everyone I have ever met, and everyone that I have ever wanted to be. My goals are not mine, but those of the world around me. My purpose has never been one of my own, but shaped by the directional needs of the pain I watch the world I live in suffer with. At times, I have sought refuge in the ways I have grown accustomed to over the years. Providing direction to those who need it more than I. My purpose once thought to be as an inspiration to others, to show them how to easily provide a pathway to achieve what it was that they desired. Beauty, tranquility and peace. The pains that I have suffered, that I would not wish on any other living soul have been my muse, my guide and my cross to bear. What direction do I have left of my own that is not simply the direction of what is missing in those around me? The need for love, for want...acceptance? Are these not things that I surely have only by virtue that those around me seek them out, some albeit unknowingly? What direction do any of us have that is not made by what those around us need and desire?

Success is not built upon itself, but upon the back of failure and suffering. Failure is bred from a lack of understanding. In it's purest form, this lack of knowledge and experience is hacked through brute force, until a suitable solution to a single puzzle is found, though not through understanding. Through attempt after attempt, try after try, until either a random chance occurrence or simple lack of possibilities brings about a desired result. “Eureka!” I've arrived at my intended destination! The very question I asked, now contains a reasonable point of conclusion. Does it not sway you then to it's narrowly defined ways? Why then do people still feel empty inside? Why is their lack of understanding the very breeding ground for what I accept as a “purpose” in my life? The directions I move are naught but those which seem absent in those around me. Gently pushing while violently falling into orbit around that which I literally feel missing in the world. Will it tear me apart? No. It will not. Not because of my strength of character, and not because of the sheer choice of my will, but because when I stop those around me from being torn apart, I no longer reflect that pain. I no longer am in agony with that suffering, because it no longer is prevalent where before it was overwhelming. Where still does this leave me? I am only full because I sate the hunger around me. I am only me, because those around me need direction...and it appears that my direction is never my own, but theirs. Inevitably, this leads me to wonder why...and I guess to arrive at the answer, I must first find someone with the same question as I.

(don't forget i've actually moved my journal over to my website at as well as added a few other frills, such as my videos of parkour and some of my martial arts training.)


i've installed a journal on my site...

i've archived my LJ and exported it to wordpress

and now i'll be posting there mainly.  I'll still put things here that i want archived online...but i'm starting the transition now.

  • Current Music
    10 Years - Just Can't Win

Seems i've gone missing

 It was written before as I read it again
A slight to the state that my heart has been in
Built underneath, how i covered the holes
Thought I could fill them by completing goals

It seems that I've almost forgotten inside
Lost in the ways of this new tattered hide
This passion that grows with impunity
With a mind of it's own irregardless of me

Action has spoken, and it's telling no tales
The structure I've built out of thousands of nails
The hollow within seem to howl in the wind
As it's loosing its heat to the spaces within

How I endeavor to name the void left behind
As i see it create all the struggles i find
While I think what I see is from outside in
All I see is myself standing center again.



So in the inclusion of all this stuff that I have committed to doing...I needed to get something to handle my schedule. In order to handle the schedule, i had an alarm set for myself that would go off every morning letting me know what is going on that day.

I lost that phone. No more alarm. No more schedule. Two weeks later, i've missed a ton of appointments. Nothing that won't be so difficult to get back into the flow of things with...but still. It's brought up an important issue. Slacking.

I become more reliant on other things...other pieces of equipment to keep track of my life. Why I don't just do this myself is beyond me at this point. My mind is more than capable of handling everything that this technology is doing for me. I started relying on an alarm...and now it seems that my internal clock is not being used. That will change. I started relying on a schedule...(albeit i'm going to start keeping it again...but online)...and now i'm left with a hole in my life...where I used to be, that got replaced by some technology...that is now lost. It seems that it took my mind with it.


just another reminder to rely on myself...(though that only works when I don't loose things)

guess all i can do at this point is step up the effort i put into life. Just because I'm happy, doesn't mean i shouldn't put effort into keeping it that way.

i'm usually better than this. I should continue to do so.

The Next Step...

So here's an update for those who have not been in my immediate arena over the past year. I miss and LOVE all of you...even the ones who don't deserve it sometimes.

I moved here October 26th last year...and spent my first halloween at home alone...and found a great solace in my new surroundings. I picked up parkour, in addition to the contact juggling...which has now also become spinning poi and my new hobby, contact staff. Some of these led to an option to begin taking a new Martial Art...Bagua Zhang. Chinese Internal Martial Art...Gao Style. I've gone beyond the focus and flow...i'm well aware how to focus. I've been going with the flow lately, and it's leading me in some pretty incredible directions.

Parkour is an art/discipline where you move quickly and efficiently through your environment, overcoming all obstacles using nothing but the tools of your body. Parkour was developed as an escape methodology and has evolved into a philosophy that is continually changing the lives of the people who begin it's training.

Along with Parkour, came a new friend. Tyson Cecka...who was starting up a non profit organization to help spread the philosophy and discipline of parkour to kids in schools as a viable and low cost option to people with no specific athletic talent. I know how the military changed me...instilling discipline. Now I'm watching these traceurs become self reliant, motivated and socially interactive and athletic. It's teaching them how to overcome any obstacle by continuing to think and correct themselves in order to reach their intended goal. Watching this translate into their life is very hopeful for society.

So Tyson started the Pacific Northwest Parkour Association (PNWPA) and filed for it's tax exempt status. After talking with him a bit and learning more about what he was exactly what i've been wanting to do for so any of you who've known me for years has heard me talking about. I volunteered my time to write a grant and help them with some promotions and event production stuff...taking the company and it's vision to help fight childhood obesity to the companies, schools and families of Seattle.

I've been asked to help with another grant, and have to be at rehersal for a stage show my juggling landed me in this week...opening on the 15th...if i remember correctly.

This new phone i got is beginning to collect my schedule?!?!?!?

My health has been steady. NO HEADACHES! T-cells at 125 since february, but undetectable since then as well! I love accupuncture, hate hills, still don't like the cold...and find the sun coming out to play with me like a best friend...which is really weird...i have a tan...and five pairs of shoes and need new ones already! *shrugs*

The ball is officially rolling for the things that I wanted to do for a living...gather free money for non profit organizations...and show people how one person can and DOES make a difference.

*dives behind the couch*

inspiration from an unlikely source...

For those of you who don't already know...start with this story about a man who lit himself on fire last night on the University of Washington campus.

I stood today, while a mormon talked with me...offering me the chance to do more than stand and stare at the roped off section of red square. There was only a single bouquett of flowers. The groundskeeper pulled up with the power washer to clean up what was left of the mess. I remarked that it must be a sobering job.

I stood today...wondering what I could take from this incident...what could it mean to me in my life. I got home, and looked up the news...and read many stories...and I found it. Something that brings me joy to have even heard about.

Students had him and the fire put out before anyone else got there.

One student wrestled with the man to keep him from dousing himself...nearly costing him as well.

These are examples of character that I must accordingly give due notice. In a place that I wholly did not expect to ever see such an example of what humans should be for each other...comes a very strong sense of hope now. Hope that people are not lost. Hope that there are those who care...and care enough to help. It takes a very special kind of person to risk and sacrifice personal injury (especially to a gasoline fire) to help this man...and it was shown by SEVERAL...not just one.

I got away from hope a long time will often hear me remark about how I think "hope" was the worst thing let out of pandora's box...because it's that last sliver of hope that drags things out forever.

I just realized however...that some things deserve that hope...some things deserve that time...that dedication

Personally, I would like to commend people and characters like that...and regardless of whether or not this makes it to's still worth noting to anyone. Would that we could all have such character...

I saw a sign on the bus today...just after bidding farewell to the spirit of the man who may just have found what he was looking for. It's rang a specific bell in my head that i've been hanging on to for a while.

and i'll leave you with Marcus Aurelius and Ghandi.

"Quit talking about great souls and how they should be. Become one yourself!" "Become the change you want to see in the world."

Focus and Flow

Seems that the lesson of this part of my life is focus and flow. Focus and flow. Weird in and of itself, because in order to flow properly, you must be able to do so without focusing on it. You have to just feel it to know it's own way.

I just started learning a martial art. It demands a GREAT amount of focus...a large amount of focus. The forms, the attention to detail of the placement of the body, it's intimate relationships with the parts of the body next to those body parts. Contact Juggling, Poi, and many other forms of this dance I call Life.

Each of these has it's own way. Each of these has it's own form. All of this a minute part of what I could possibly know at such a young age.


but flowing...also means not knowing where you are going...and just trusting to reach your destination.