Cody Allison aka Michael Rendier (rendier) wrote,
Cody Allison aka Michael Rendier

What more am I?

What more am I, than a unique product of a lack of understanding in the world. I am not shaped of myself, but of the void left behind while people suffer around me. My decisions are not mine, but the choices yearned for by those around me. A compilation of everyone I have ever met, and everyone that I have ever wanted to be. My goals are not mine, but those of the world around me. My purpose has never been one of my own, but shaped by the directional needs of the pain I watch the world I live in suffer with. At times, I have sought refuge in the ways I have grown accustomed to over the years. Providing direction to those who need it more than I. My purpose once thought to be as an inspiration to others, to show them how to easily provide a pathway to achieve what it was that they desired. Beauty, tranquility and peace. The pains that I have suffered, that I would not wish on any other living soul have been my muse, my guide and my cross to bear. What direction do I have left of my own that is not simply the direction of what is missing in those around me? The need for love, for want...acceptance? Are these not things that I surely have only by virtue that those around me seek them out, some albeit unknowingly? What direction do any of us have that is not made by what those around us need and desire?

Success is not built upon itself, but upon the back of failure and suffering. Failure is bred from a lack of understanding. In it's purest form, this lack of knowledge and experience is hacked through brute force, until a suitable solution to a single puzzle is found, though not through understanding. Through attempt after attempt, try after try, until either a random chance occurrence or simple lack of possibilities brings about a desired result. “Eureka!” I've arrived at my intended destination! The very question I asked, now contains a reasonable point of conclusion. Does it not sway you then to it's narrowly defined ways? Why then do people still feel empty inside? Why is their lack of understanding the very breeding ground for what I accept as a “purpose” in my life? The directions I move are naught but those which seem absent in those around me. Gently pushing while violently falling into orbit around that which I literally feel missing in the world. Will it tear me apart? No. It will not. Not because of my strength of character, and not because of the sheer choice of my will, but because when I stop those around me from being torn apart, I no longer reflect that pain. I no longer am in agony with that suffering, because it no longer is prevalent where before it was overwhelming. Where still does this leave me? I am only full because I sate the hunger around me. I am only me, because those around me need direction...and it appears that my direction is never my own, but theirs. Inevitably, this leads me to wonder why...and I guess to arrive at the answer, I must first find someone with the same question as I.

(don't forget i've actually moved my journal over to my website at as well as added a few other frills, such as my videos of parkour and some of my martial arts training.)

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